Progressively Rising
Few days back I was reading a book in Marathi (my mother tongue) titled आहे मनोहर तरी by Sunita Deshpande. While the book in itself can be the subject of a separate essay, the honesty with which it is written struck a chord with me. The writer very boldly highlights her own shortcomings, failures, her feminist ideology and sticking to her ideology no matter what. However, what stayed with me were some ‘in progress’ characters in the autobiography. Those who weren’t entirely progressive or polished versions yet had innate kindness and willingness to change.
At first, I was baffled at the dichotomy of it. Then, I recollected one such intense discussion with a friend of mine on patriarchal mindset in academia and how it impacts the women in economics. There is one particular statement that stayed with me, he said “While I cannot change my background that wasn’t liberal unlike our peers, I certainly do have a choice to not be like the men in my family. I will keep unlearning no matter how long it takes until I uproot it completely.” I was stunned and amazed at the same time.
Past few years, I am discovering how not everything can be compartmentalized into black and white, the aspects in working can be say color peach. Similar such conversation took place once with a friend, when I remarked what got you so interested in gender economics to which he replied “Ha sido un largo camino, desde el conservadurismo hasta las posturas igualitarias. Ha sido un camino largo para mí y mis amigos en mi país de origen.” (It has been a long journey, from conservatism to egalitarian views. It has been a long road for me and my friends back in my home country.) I remarked it is commendable and there is no need to have an apologetic tone. To make things a bit lighter I responded “Don’t I have flaws such as being hot-headed at times, impatient, pushy on work agendas?” To which we both laughed not in denial but in acceptance that we are humans working on our shortcomings:)
We do not get to choose our backgrounds and early exposure, but conflicting views that leads to psychological discomfort often propels one to take note of it and often act upon. For e.g. Since I was living in a matriarchal family and not patriarchal, when I was younger I thought it was the same everywhere for all the girls. Only to my rude shock, that unfortunately it was not the case for many. I realised rather than being judgemental and agitated about it, acceptance of the situation and finding ways by supporting my female friends and appreciating my male friends who showed the willingness to change for better was what I could and can do.
Thanks to my spiritual practices I am trying to be gentler towards myself as well as others who are in the process of unlearning and learning.
Here are some ways/methods I have come up to deal with aspects of my personality I am struggling to improve or change:
Being Judgemental is Unhelpful
Having a support system
Stop being defensive
Be more sporting
Lastly, owning up and being honest about my shortcomings
Have a great Friday ahead folks!
Song recommendations:)
One True Love - Markus Lytts (English song from the Swedish Play ‘Botnia Paradise’. Love the vocals by Markus and heart-touching music by KAJ)
Bondoon Ke Moti- Wake Up Side (It’s the time for monsoons in Bombay and this song captures the emotions beautifully)
I listened to a podcast recently in which the guest said (I’m paraphrasing here) when we decide someone is “below contempt” that’s when a red light begins to flash. This is because we have made a judgement that person is no longer a human being like us. We’ve made them “less then.”
And history shows when we make another person or group of people “less then” it opens up permission to do inhumane acts.
That has stayed with me. To get concerned when I or someone else makes someone else less than human. We can be so casual about it but it’s almost worse than hating someone else.
This has made an enormous impression on me and the way I think about other people, especially those I find annoying or obnoxious. They may be but they are still human and deserving of human regard.
Beautifully written, Apurva! The concept of 'in-progress' characters is such a gentle and realistic way to look at human growth. True progress isn't about being perfect; it's about the willingness to unlearn. Love the lines from your friends; realising we can't change our past but can choose our future actions is ultimate maturity.